Curious what the Republican GOP candidates are jamming to once they step off the podium? I couldn't sit down and ask each candidate (every one of them refused an interview except for Ron Paul), but if I did, these would surely be the results:
Mitt Romney:
Ask a member of the Romney family about their
ancestry, and they will proudly tell you they descend from a
fourth-century dragon slayer. Shocking, I know. What the proudest family in
America will gladly sweep under the rug, however, is the widespread polygamy. Somewhere
deep within the Romney family tree, you will find six fellows who boasted a
total of 41 wives, which is why it is no surprise that this stone-cold
Republican feeds his ears a steady diet of Mormon Hymns and Marvin Gaye.
Rick Santorum:
Sure, he might look
like a banker (or a member of the Romney family). And ok, he may favor corporate tax breaks
to “spur the economy,” and even supports the ban of gay marriage. But that suit
is not a banker’s -- it’s a lawyers. Before he was glad-handing lobbyists, Rick
Santorum was practicing law in Pittsburg. Santorum represented the World
Wrestling Federation in their argument to exemplify professional wrestling from
national steroid regulations, claiming it was “entertainment,” opposed to an
actual sport. I was not shocked when I saw tricky Dick Santorum driving down the road blasting Mötley Crüe from his
1981 z28 Camaro. Sweet...
Ron Paul:
Outspoken to the point of democratic admiration,
Paul finally put himself under the Republican banner back in 2008, when he
finally realized that any candidate wearing the Libertarian T-shirt would never
stand a chance. You’d think that any candidate who has weathered over thirty years
of presidential heart-break, along with being dragged back and forth through the
political mud, is going to have a playlist like that of hotel elevator. If it
was any other candidate, you would be safe to assume exactly that. Newt
Gingrich, for instance, would have thrown himself out of a 50 story window by
now if he had Paul’s track record. Romney would have formed a cult, and there’s
no telling what Santorum would have done. Paul, who opposes his own party to
such an extent that the other’s must hate him, who has written books entitled “End
the Fed,” and “The Revolution: A Manifesto,” is just too cool for any of that.
Perhaps the 4000 babies Paul’s delivered in his career as a doctor is to be
accredited for this calmness. So what
does this enigma of candidate listen to when he’s not blogging about social
reform or not being invited to the other candidate’s birthday parties? A solid
mix of Madona, RUN DMC, and Creedence Clearwater Revival. Now we know his
secret.
Rick Perry:
This guy is the governor of Texas… You do the math…
John Huntsman Jr. (Colin Cowherd)
At
first glance, Colin Cowherd--I mean-- John Huntsman looks like he belongs on the
Channel 5 news telling us all how sunny today is, and when we can expect it to
end. Second glance? I could picture him behind the counter of your local
Starbucks brewing away. Alas! Huntsman is first and foremost a businessman, and
your very own GOP candidate! This former Utah governor acted as the CEO for the
family biz (Huntsman Corp.) prior to taking office in 2005, and also served
under the Regan and Bush administration, not to mention attaining Boy Scouts’
highest rank: EAGLE SCOUT. These are all very nice campaign stats.
What
you WON’T see on any bumper sticker or T-shirt, however, is the three little
letters next to the “High School Education” box that read: GED. That’s right.
But why would a man with more than enough means drop out of high school? -- Why
else? -- to pursue his career as a keyboardist in his high school rock band ‘Wizard’.
John Huntsman doesn’t listen to any other music aside from his old recordings, to
which he solemnly dreams about becoming the rockstar he was always destined to
be.
Good stuff mang- Tony D