Strongest: Henry Rollins

Was it ever a question? Rollins sang in Black Flag for five brutal years, and he’s been a devoted weightlifter ever since. “You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard,” he wrote in a 1994 essay for Details titled ‘Iron and Soul.' “The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black.” I bet he’s a fantastic little league coach.

Most Flexible: David Lee Roth

If the 80’s taught us anything, it’s that cocaine has the power to transform anyone into a first-rate gymnast. That, and David Lee Roth looked a lot like Goldie Hawn. Have you listened to the new Van Halen yet? Me neither, but I really hope this gigolo still has some moves left in him.

Best Ball-handler: Justin Bieber 

We all know Ice Cube gets triple doubles (and that’s just when he fucks around), but according to the NBA, Beebs is the celebrity world’s top hoopster. The tween sensation was awarded MVP honors at the 2011 Celebrity All-Star Game after he notched 8 points and 4 assists (it’s the celebrity game…just act impressed). Let’s just be grateful that a recording artist moonlit as a basketball player and not the other way around...

Or had you forgetten about this little nugget of American history?
Fencing Master: Bruce Dickinson

This one’s too bizarre to make up. Apparently, the Iron Maiden frontman is a very capable fencer. For the record, he’s also a pilot, screenwriter, author and broadcaster, as well as a damn fine songwriter. His dueling peak came in the 80’s; at one point, he was ranked seventh in Great Britain. “I wanted to get back into fencing to do something outside rock ‘n’ roll,” he told Sports Illustrated. “I didn’t want to reach 40 and have to say all I’d done was look out the window of a tour bus and get drunk.” 

Fastest Sprint: Soulja Boy

Anyone who made a bad decision in high school knows what a superhero’s feat it is to successfully outrun the cops (make all the jokes you want, those guys are trained to chase people). How fitting then, that Soulja Boy—who once used Superman to describe a hilariously demeaning sex act—was able to evade capture from the po-po after he and some friends were caught partying in an abandoned house last year. Dude, isn’t that what you do before you get signed? Anyway, he got away—but the police nabbed him when he returned to the house to get his car. Said an arresting officer, "He just ran from the police, and then he decided to come back." On the upside, it was probably a really awesome car.

Sexual Warrior: Sting

Speaking of police, Sting is a freak. He’s admitted to practicing tantra, a sexual practice linked to the religion that (pretty much) spawned both Buddhism and Hinduism. The word tantra comes from two Sanskrit words: “stretch/expand” and “liberate,” and practitioners typically engage in sexual intercourse for hours without stopping. Yep, that’s why they call him Sting.